APESHEET INTERVIEW:

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

Bored in the USA

By Bill Klein

 Apesheet: Mr. Sprigstein?  

Bruce: That’s Springsteen. Look, I’m eating dinner. What do you want?  

Apesheet: This is William with MCI Worldcomm, Mr Spangtree, and I’m authorized to offer you –  

Bruce: Springsteen. Look, I don’t know how you got this number, but I’m very busy and I don’t have time for –  

Apesheet: Oh come now, Mr. Spreadsheet, there’s always time when it comes to saving you money, and with our new “Friends and Foes” package you can save up to fifty percent over your current long-distance plan!  

Bruce: It’s SPRINGSTEEN,  goddammit, and I don’t care if…did you say fifty percent?  

Apesheet: Absolutely, Mr. Sparkstreak, and if you order now we will waive the activation fee!  

Bruce: Damn, I could use a break on the phone bill, what with Patti always fucking yakking on the phone with her friends at the beauty shop in Bensonhurst…  

Apesheet: And that’s not all –  

Bruce: ‘Course it could be worse, she sometimes has them all over here for coffee or Pampered Chef parties and shit. Drives me fucking nuts!  

Apesheet: Er, Mr. Spockstern?  

Bruce: I mean they just can’t fucking shut up! And they all got those goddamn accents, it sounds like an episode of The fucking Nanny in here sometimes…  

Apesheet: About the long-distance plan, Mr. Spamsteak? With “Friends and Foes” you can –  

Bruce: I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? I had this hot super-model wife, we’re living it up in Beverly Hills and I blow it all for some red-head ditz-singer wannabe who looks like she just got off shift at Bob’s Big Boy –

Apesheet: Mr. Sprucestreet, the offer!  

Bruce: My god, what have I done with my life? I even put her sorry ass in the fucking band, man! You’d think I could at least get away for a few minutes to get a goddamn hummer from some groupie in the mop closet, but noooooooo! She’s there all the time! I’m suffocating here, man!  

Apesheet: I’m sorry for your troubles Mr. Spitstream, but –  

Bruce: I can’t take it anymore! I’ll get a gun, yeah that’s it…no better yet, I can hire somebody, no muss, no fuss. Or poison maybe, something untraceable. Or smother her with a pillow while she sleeps…  

Apesheet: Mr. Spotstripe, did I mention that all our calls are tape-recorded for quality assurance purposes?  

Bruce: Er – they are?  

Apesheet: Yes, sir. Now about the long-distance plan?  

Bruce: I’ll take a dozen. No, make it a hundred! And forget I said anything, okay?  

Apesheet: You’re the boss.

©2002 By Bill Klein. All rights reserved.

Originally published at The Apesheet.