Sean Penn

I THINK ABOUT MADONNA WHILE I'M FUCKING MY WIFE

By Sean Penn

I've pretty much been keeping a low profile lately. The tabloids and the paparazzi just don't seem as interested in me as they did back in the day. Course I was really wild then and photographers were fair game. If I even saw the outline of an Instamatic in someone's pocket, I'd go fucking ballistic. But I'm much better now.

For a short time back in the '80s, I was married to Madonna. Talk about your whore/slut-queen fantasies, and I was getting it every night! I mean God, what an imagination, that bitch was a total freak! When we had our garage sale after the divorce, the place looked like a police auction with all the paraphernalia we were selling. Bob Saget alone bought over $15,000 worth.

But I'm settled down now. I married the actress Robin Wright, or as she likes to be called, Robin Wright Penn. Like it makes a fucking difference. Give her a couple of years and she'll be begging for a part in Carrot Top's latest, just like Kim Basinger or somebody. Can you believe Basinger's playing Eminem's mother in his movie? I mean what; Tom Green wouldn't return her calls?

I have a confession to make. When I'm screwing Robin, I'm fantasizing about Madonna. Which is kind of a funny thing, because when I was doing Madonna I fantasized about Phoebe Cates. When she was hot looking I mean, like when we made Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Now she's married to Kevin Kline and they got like a zillion kids and she looks kind of like Rosie O'Donnell, except without the lesbian thing.

Speaking of which, now that Rosie has come out and admitted that she's a lesbo, the thought of her getting it on with another chick makes me kind of hot. Is that weird?

Well, I better wrap this up. Robin just came out of the bathroom and she's wearing the flannel nightgown, so it looks like no action for Daddy tonight. I may as well go grab another bottle of Jack before Becker comes on. Hey Bud, let's party! Yeah, right. Fuck all of you.

Originally published at The Apesheet.

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