Pope JP2

Thank Heaven For Little Boys:

The ApeSheet Interviews Pope John Paul II

ApeSheet: So what’s all this shit about priests having sex with altar boys?

PJP2: It is a tragic situation. It pains me in my heart to know that members of the priesthood have abused their position as trusted -

ApeSheet: Cut the crap, JP. You guys have been covering this up for years, but then somebody finally had the stones to call you on it and now there’s all this so-called remorse. Don’t fuck with me. I’m not in the mood.

PJP2: You have to realize that, as tragic as the circumstances may be, these are isolated incidents that –

ApeSheet: Isolated? I’ll give you isolated. One of your happy-humping clerical cocksmen managed to isolate over a hundred adolescent boys in the vestibule over the course of his career. What was his next scheduled assignment before he finally got nailed? Dormitory chaplain at Boys’ Town?

PJP2: There’s really no call for such sarcasm. I’m the head of the Holy Roman Catholic Church –

ApeSheet: Yeah, which is starting to look more like an off-shoot of the North American Man-Boy Love Association.

PJP2: As such, I think I am deserving of a little more respect –

ApeSheet: Respect? I got your freakin’ respect right here! Next to your dapper den of derriere-dunking deviants, the philosopher kings of ancient Greece look like eunuchs! Who’s next on your dance card? I hate to bust your bubble, but Mikey from the Life cereal commercials is grown up now.

PJP2: I must say I am quite taken aback by your hostility, my son. Were you the victim of such an unfortunate occurrence?

ApeSheet: Hell, no! And that’s another thing. Why wasn’t I? Aren’t I attractive?

PJP2: I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that.

ApeSheet: I was never even approached, much less propositioned. I mean, I’m sure it would have been a very painful experience, but still it would have been nice to at least be asked –

PJP2: Is it getting weird in here, or is it just me?

ApeSheet: I mean, do you know what a blow it was to my self-esteem to discover that all these priests were boinking altar boys all over the place like rabbits in heat and I never got so much as a backwards glance? Talk about humiliating!

PJP2: Is that door the way out of here? Because I really have to –

ApeSheet: It was bad enough that I couldn’t even get a fucking prom date and ended up at the lake getting drunk on Red, White and Blue beer with the rest of the losers, but to think I wasn’t even good enough for some sick-ass pedophile in a cassock? No wonder I’m so depressed!

PJP2: Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, I’ll do you! Right here! Right now! Satisfied?

ApeSheet: What do you think I am, some kind of pervert? Did we catch that on tape, guys?