The Amen Corner
Jesus On 9-11, Muslims, Football, Prayer, etc.
By Jesus Christ
Lord and Savior
Heaven (a division of AOL/Time-Warner)
In light of all the events that have been going on, I felt that it was time for me to set you folks straight on a few things.
For those who have been besieging me with prayers about lost loved ones during the tragic events of what you call “9/11” ( we don’t do the time thing up here), just let me say this: If they were headed this way, they’re here. If they weren’t, they’re not. You know the system. Are we straight on that? Good.
Now as to the Muslim situation: I’m afraid that’s out of my jurisdiction. They don’t believe in me because of that ‘King of the Jews’ stuff, so it’s not like anything I say will have them quaking in their Dingos, you know what I’m saying? However, rest assured that I have forwarded your concerns to Muhammad, as the Muslims are his department. He and I have an understanding on this, so please direct your prayers on this subject directly to him from now on. It cuts down on the paperwork. We appreciate it!
A few things I need to beef about before I wrap this up:
You want to know what really pisses me off? When these football players score a touchdown and then drop down to their knees and say a prayer thanking me for helping them do it. Talk about your freaking egomaniacs!
Uh, guys? Take a look around. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot going down on your planet right now. You know, wars, famine, diseases, shit like that? Not to mention that little unpleasantness going on with the priests. I didn’t OK that, by the way. If any of the apostles had tried that crap, you can bet your ass I would have cast the first stone! More on this later, I’m still working on the draft.
But to get back to what I was saying about these football players, do they really think that while I’m up to my armpits in all this agony, suffering and despair that I’m going to take time out of my busy schedule to help them win a meaningless football game? What the fuck do I care? And those stupid prayer circles they form together after the game to thank me for sparing them from injury, who the hell are they trying to impress? They could kill each other and it wouldn’t mean squat to me! I mean, it’s not like any of them have a chance in Hell of getting in here anyway.
That goes for the rest of you, too. I don’t want to hear any more whining and begging for help so Little Suzy gets an ‘A’ on that geometry test, or that the check you wrote to the gas company doesn’t get to the bank before Friday, or that little rash you picked up turns out to be the result of your wife trying a cheaper fabric softener. Not my problem!
Be good to each other and save the prayers for the shit that really matters. We’re busy up here, Goddamn it!
©2002 Bill Klein. All rights reserved.
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