My Fellow Graduates...

My Worst Nightmare

My Fellow Graduates…

Then I dreamt that I was asked to give the commencement speech at my old college which confused me quite a bit because I had attended three different colleges and never graduated but anyway I resolved to give the Class of 2001 a rousing and inspirational speech, the kind that would have them on their feet and ready to hit the streets, not unlike the LAPD verdict but that’s a whole other nightmare in itself so the dean introduced me and I got up on the podium and the first thing I did was ask all the Liberal Arts majors to raise their hands and when they did I told them that I like my Quarter-Pounders without pickles, remember that, and I kind of went through each group in a similar fashion and after I had finished passing out buy-one-get-one-free coupons for bullet-proof vests to the education majors I began to regale the troops, er, audience, with tales of my own college days but I must confess that I made most of the stories up because damned if I could remember anything, I did lots of drugs back then, still managed a "B" average, but they seemed to be pleased and gave me a big round of applause although I doubt that they understood a word I said because the Ecstasy was probably beginning to kick in and a bunch of them invited me to a frat party afterwards and all I remember afterward was sticking my head under the Budweiser barrel’s spigot for, I don’t know, the twenty-eighth time or so when I was jarred awake with a killer hangover on Saturday morning by the opening theme music from "Saved By The Bell"…

Return to My Worst Nightmare Index

Return to BillKleinOnLine