The Amen Corner
Chatting with Brother #1
One of the biggest
controversies surrounding you is the so-called “missing years,” from age
twelve to your late-twenties/early-thirties. How do you account for that time?
I was traveling around and studying. You know, learning the God business. I was in North America for a while, hanging out with the natives. They had gods for everything: Wind gods, rain gods, thunder gods, beaver gods, bear gods. Really fascinating stuff. I learned a lot from them.
Are you saying
that Native American legends are legitimate?
Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t they be?
Tell us more.
I spent some time in Greece, got to know their group. I didn’t go there when I was a teenager, though – none of that toy-boy for the philosopher-king stuff for me, thanks – but it was very enlightening. I also spent a lot of time with the Nordics. Now those are some kick-ass gods! Not to be trifled with, believe me. Think Hell’s Angels, except with omnipotent powers and more of an attitude. Then there were the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, your Pagans and Druids. It was a lot to take in.
So what brought
you back to Nazareth?
As they say, all roads lead to home. My formal education was just about over and it was time to set up shop. You know, work a few miracles, recruit some Apostles, die for your sins, things like that. And my folks weren’t getting any younger.
How about the loaves and fish episode?
That was a good one, wasn’t it? You know, after that I thought about maybe chucking it all and starting a catering business. But the clean-up was a real bitch, so I ditched the idea. Same with the water-into-wine thing. Who wants to put up with a bunch of drunks day-in and day-out? You’ll never see Jesus’ Sports Bar anywhere if I have anything to say about it.
Some non-imbibing Christians claim that when the Bible says wine, it really means unfermented grape juice.
That’s so full of shit. Why would I waste a miracle on fucking grape juice? You want Welch’s, there’s a 7-Eleven on every corner. You want some really decent ass-kicking grape, you come see the Son of God!
What about the miracle of Lazarus?
What about him? The bastard still owes me twenty bucks. Look, I can see him not reciprocating for the bringing him back from the dead thing. I mean, you can hardly even begin to repay something like that. But then to borrow twenty bucks and just disappear from sight, I mean that’s just not right..
Let’s try another subject. What did you think of the movie Oh, God?
That was about Dad, not me.
Right, sorry. So what did He think of it?
He wasn’t too happy about them casting George Burns to play him. He would have preferred Paul Newman, but that’s Dad for you. He’s kind of vain that way. Other than that, He seemed to enjoy it. He liked that John Denver was in it ‘cause He’s a big fan. I’m not really big on John Denver myself – I’m more into Sabbath – but that’s just a generational thing. It was a pretty good movie, but the sequels were terrible.
What about this guy who’s writing all these memos and interviews and claiming that they’re really from you?
He’s toast.
Really?
If it weren’t a sin, I’d say bet on it.
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