I Just Don't Have The Energy

My Worst Nightmare

I Just Don't Have The Energy

Then I dreamt that George Dubya Bush installed an oil rig in my backyard on the off chance that there would maybe be “untapped reserves” underneath my Casaba melons and I tried to explain that that the only reserves in my yard was a coffee can full of 10W30 from the last time I changed my oil but he wouldn’t listen and pretty soon my property was crawling with Republican geologists and they ate all my melons and stomped all over my peonies and I got real mad and ordered them off the land and I was holding them at bay with my twelve-gauge shotgun when I heard a bunch of noise and saw hordes of Democrats marching toward my house and I sighed with relief but then they came up to me and took my gun away, it was for the children they said, which made me instinctively reach for my back pocket to make sure my wallet was still there and then they stuck a sign in the ground saying that my land was a natural habitat for the Jumping Meadow Spotted Bald Grizzly Timber Owl or something like that and they told me I had to plow under my garden and I couldn’t mow my lawn anymore and I could still use my truck but I would have to push it five miles down the road before I could start it and pretty soon the Democrats and the Republicans got in a big fight and then Bill Clinton came roaring up from Harlem and he was wearing a wide-brimmed hat and a full-length chinchilla coat and he asked what was going on and someone mentioned something about doing a lot of drilling and Clinton got this gleam in his eye but then somebody else said that it was for oil and he seemed disappointed and got back into his limo and roared off and pretty soon the whole place was in chaos and then Janet Reno roared up in a tank, or maybe it was a pantsuit, it was hard to tell, and everybody scattered and all my melons were gone and I was screaming vile obscenities when I was awakened by a squirrel outside my window and I shot him because I thought he looked kind of like a Republican geologist…

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