My Worst Nightmare

 Altared States

or

 Thy Rod And Thy Staff, They Comfort Me?

Then I dreamt that I was an altar boy in Boston and the first thing I noticed was the crotchless cassocks, that was weird, not to mention the fact that the pastor was always watching videotapes of The Mickey Mouse Club and seemed to keep hitting the freeze button whenever Cubby was on but I figured maybe he was a nephew or something so I didn’t say anything and then there was the time that some guy was getting ready to go to confession and he looked kind of nervous and he asked me if I knew what the priest would give for anal sex and I said he usually gave me a Snickers bar and a Coke but that didn’t seem to ease his mind at all and so I went about my business and went to clean the pastor’s bathroom and I moved the stack of Boys’ Life magazines out of the way so I could clean under the sink and then the pastor came in and wanted to know if I was going to join his monthly camping group and I said sure where are we camping and he said the Motel 6 on Route 42 which struck me as a bit odd but maybe he was expecting rain and then he invited me to the rectory for peanut butter sandwiches and Mogen David but I said I had a baseball game and he asked me if we wear tight uniforms like the major-leaguers do and I said no they were baggy and he looked kind of disappointed and then I mentioned we were all going swimming afterward and he perked right up again and said he had to go and pack for the camping trip and the next thing I knew he was carrying the biggest jar of Vaseline I had ever seen and putting it in the trunk of his car and then the phone rang and I woke up in a Motel 6 and the television was showing Annette Funicello doing a commercial for Skippy peanut butter as the theme music from The Twilight Zone danced in my head…