THE OLD PROS
Bruno Zimmerman, Middleweight Contender
Old
Broadcaster:
Welcome to this week’s edition of The Old Pros. With me, as
usual, are my good friends, The Old Sportswriter…
Old
Sportswriter: Hiya,
OB. Say, who was that hot-lookin’ babe who dropped you off this morning?
Old
Broadcaster:
My grandson, Keith. He’s having a “sexual identity” crisis.
Old
Sportswriter:
Eeewww, gross! Forget I said anything.
Old
Broadcaster:
…and everybody’s favorite field general, The Old Coach!
Old
Coach: This
needs more vodka.
Old
Broadcaster:
Joining our distinguished panel today is Bruno Zimmerman! Bruno
was the third-ranked contender for the world’s light-heavyweight
championship back in 1946. Welcome to The Old Pros, Bruno!
Bruno:
T’anks.
Old
Coach:
Why
do we have this tomato can on the show? He never even won a title!
Old
Sportswriter:
I didn’t even know they had a light-heavyweight division back in the 40’s.
I must’ve been drunk at the time.
Old
Coach: Hell,
you were covering the Cubs. I’m surprised you hadn’t graduated to heroin!
Old
Broadcaster:
Gentlemen, please! Let’s get
back to you, Bruno. What was the boxing game like back in your heyday?
Bruno:
I hear dese bells in my head. Lots of ‘em. Fighters was tough back in dose
days, ya know? Shots to da head and stuff. Bells. Real loud. Ding! Ding! Ouch!
Old Coach:
Speaking of shots, where’s the guy with the vodka?
Old
Sportswriter:
Geez, OB, this guy’s practically a vegetable! Where’d you dig him up? The
Salvation Army?
Old
Broadcaster:
Hey, Sal, you want to book the guests from now on? Be my freakin’ guest!
Old
Sportswriter:
Okay, okay! So, what did you do after leaving boxing, Bruno?
Bruno:
Youse might say I was a kinda representuitive for a loan company. In da
collections department.
Old
Broadcaster:
Really? Which one?
Bruno:
Who’s askin’?
Old
Sportswriter:
You might not want to push that issue, OB.
Old
Coach: My
guess is you also dabbled in some “concrete bridgework” so to speak, am I
right, Bruno?
Bruno:
Youse might say dat.
Old
Broadcaster:
You mean construction?
Old
Coach:
Jesus, OB…
Old
Sportswriter:
The less you know, the better.
Bruno:
Youse got dat right. Ding! Ding! Stop it! Ouch!
Old
Broadcaster:
Let’s move on. What’s your opinion of today’s boxers, Bruno?
Bruno:
No white guys. Buncha minororities dese days, know what I mean? An’ youse
can’t even smoke in da arenas. What kinda crap is dat? Ow! Ding!
Old
Coach:
Where
the hell’s that vodka? This Bloody Mary tastes like gazpacho!
Old
Sportswriter:
Can we wrap this up? I feel a major dump coming on for the first time in two
weeks and I want to enjoy it!
Old
Broadcaster:
One last question, Bruno. How do you think you’d fare against today’s top
boxers?
Bruno:
I’d moider ‘em. I’d give ‘em de ol’ one-two!
Old
Coach:
Bullshit! They’d hit you with one shot and the ref would give you the old
one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten!
Old
Sportswriter:
Damn, Coach! You can actually count!
Old
Coach:
Well,
I’ve been practicin’.
Old
Broadcaster:
Bruno Zimmerman, it’s been a pleasure having you here.
Bruno:
No sweat. I’m retired, what the hell else am I gonna do? Ding! Ouch! Ding!
Ding! Make it stop!
Old
Broadcaster:
See you next week on The Old Pros!
Old
Sportswriter:
Where the hell is the men’s room?
Old
Coach: I
need a drink.
Bruno:
Ow! Ding!
©2001
Bill Klein. All Rights Reserved. Return
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