THE OLD PROS
Gus Snavely, Golf Champ
Old
Broadcaster: Hi
there, sports fans! It’s time for another edition of The Old Pros!
Joining me once again are my good friends, The Old Sportswriter
and The Old Coach!
Old
Sportswriter & Old Coach:
Zzzzzzzzzzz
Old
Broadcaster:
Hey! Wake up, you guys!
Old
Coach: Huh?
Wha-? Sorry! Are we on?
Old
Sportswriter:
(Yawn!) Sorry, OB. It’s been a long trip.
Why do we have to do the show in New York anyway? It’s a long haul
from Racine in my RV, especially with no radio and Coach here yammering
non-stop…
Old
Coach:
Me?
What about you and your bladder problems? We must’ve hit every rest stop on
the interstate!
Old
Sportswriter:
Well, fine! Next time you can drive here yourself in that old…that old…what
the hell was that old heap you drove up to my place in?
Old
Coach:
I’ll
have you know that is a one of a kind vehicle! I had my advanced shop class
build it as a semester project.
Old
Sportswriter:
When? 1957?
Old
Coach: ’58.
Old
Broadcaster:
Geez, how do you find parts for that thing?
Old
Coach: Easy.
If you have a big enough hammer, you can make any part fit!
Old
Sportswriter:
I think my mechanic took your class. Talk about an incompetent piece of…
Old
Broadcaster:
Can we get back to the show, gentlemen?
Old
Sportswriter:
Sorry, OB. But this driving to New York every other week is getting to be a
real pain. Why can’t we broadcast from Chicago? They have public cable
access channels too!
Old
Coach:
The
TV station in my hometown, Greater Featherstone, carries our show. Maybe we
could broadcast from there!
Old
Sportswriter:
Greater Featherstone? Are you nuts? Greyhound doesn’t even
stop there! Where we gonna stay? Your house?
Old
Coach: What
house? I got a one-room apartment above Flo & Earl’s Main Street Tap.
But you can stay at the Red Chief Motor Lodge, as long as it’s not on
Wednesday afternoon when the Mayor is entertaining one of his “nieces”…
Old
Broadcaster:
We’ll take it under advisement, Coach. In the meantime, let’s bring out
this week’s guest…
Old
Sportswriter:
This ought to be good.
Old
Broadcaster:
…He’s former Montana State Amateur Golf Champion of 1938, Gus
Snavely!
Old
Coach: Who?
Old
Sportswriter:
Dang, OB. You’ve outdone yourself!
Old
Broadcaster:
Ignore them, Gus. Welcome to The Old Pros!
Gus:
Eh? What say?
Old
Broadcaster:
I SAID WELCOME TO The Old Pros!
Gus:
Well, they’re a little worn, but they still fit good…
Old
Sportswriter:
Old PROS, not old clothes!
Old
Coach:
Believe it or not, I’m starting to miss Bruno Zimmerman. Where’d you find
this reject, OB? The homeless shelter?
Gus:
Helter Skelter? That Charles Manson, I don’t know…
Old
Broadcaster:
Do you still play golf, Gus?
Gus:
Eh?
Old
Broadcaster:
I said, DO YOU STILL PLAY GOLF?
Gus:
Oh, golf? Lemme see…oh yeah, yeah! I shot a 74 last week, in fact.
Old
Coach: 74?
That’s great! I mean, considering your advanced age and all…
Gus:
Shot an 82 on the back nine, though.
Old
Coach: Oh.
Old
Sportswriter:
What do you think of Tiger Woods?
Gus:
Dry goods?
Old
Sportswriter:
TIGER WOODS!
Gus:
That sounds dangerous! Tigers in the woods? All the more reason to keep the
ball on the fairway, or are there tigers there, too?
Old
Coach:
I’m
going to the bar. Do they have Schlitz on tap?
Old
Sportswriter:
I’ll meet you there after I hit the can. He’s all yours, OB!
Old
Broadcaster:
Gee, thanks guys. We might as well all go there. How about it, Gus? Can we buy
you a beer?
Gus:
Who you
calling a queer?
Old
Broadcaster:
See you next week on The Old Pros!
Gus:
Eh?
Ó2001
Bill Klein. All rights Reserved. Return
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