THE OLD PROS
Augie Heinschmitz, Pro Bowler
The
Old Broadcaster:
Hello there, sports fans! Welcome to another edition of The Old Pros!
Joining me as always are my colleagues, that Shakespeare of the sports pages, The
Old Sportswriter…
The
Old Sportswriter:
Howdy, OB. Nice tie. Couldn’t the carnival guy guess your weight?
Old
Broadcaster:
…And the Einstein of X’s and O’s, The Old Coach!
The
Old Coach:
I
never wear a tie, unless I run out of bibs. That was one of the perks of being
a shop teacher, we didn’t have to wear ties because they thought we’d get
them caught in the lathe. Like my old shop teacher, “Three Fingers”
Scungilli used to say…
Old
Broadcaster:
I’m sure it was fascinating, whatever it was. But let’s get on with the
show…
Old
Sportswriter:
I have to give you a lot of credit, Coach. I mean, working all the time with
kids. Teenagers drive me nuts! You ought to see my grandson, with his
baggy-ass pants and the backwards cap. I asked him what he wants for his
birthday, and he says a semi-automatic and a new crack pipe!
Old
Coach:
If he’s
willing to settle for a hash pipe, I got dozens of ‘em that I confiscated
from machine ops class back in the 70’s. Some of them are pretty good,
actually. They got this little carburetor thingy on the end and…
Old
Broadcaster:
Enough, already! Can we get back to the show? Our guest today…
Old
Sportswriter:
Beep! Beep! Loser alert! Loser alert!
Old
Coach:
We’re
on pins and needles, OB. Do your worst!
Old
Broadcaster:
He’s former professional bowler Augie Heinschmitz. Augie was a
mainstay on the pro tour during the 40’s and 50’s…
Old
Coach: Wait
a minute! I coached a couple of guys on the Professional Bowlers Association
tour during that time. I never heard of this guy!
Augie:
Well, it wasn’t the PBA tour, really…
Old
Sportswriter:
What other pro bowling tour was there?
Augie:
The “Mrs. Chauncey’s Potato Chips” tour. I got fifteen bucks every time
I won a tournament, and then there were the beer frames.
Old
Coach:
And
how many tournaments did you win?
Augie:
Well, none actually.
Old
Sportswriter:
This is ridiculous! No wonder our ratings are in the toilet! Hell’s bells
OB, if you’re going to get a has-been, couldn’t it have least been someone
who actually made some money?
Augie:
Hey, free beer is nothing to sneeze at! I averaged two or three free drinks a
night for twenty years and that adds up!
Old
Coach: How
many rounds did you pay for each night? On the average, I mean.
Augie:
Uh, five or so I guess.
Old
Coach:
For
how many bowlers?
Augie:
Thirty-two.
Old
Sportswriter:
Yeah, you made out like a regular bandit there, Augie!
Old
Broadcaster:
THAT DOES IT!! I’m tired of you
two ridiculing our guests! Every week I get the same old crap! I’ve had it!
Next week, you guys pick the guest. I’m leaving!
Old
Sportswriter:
That’s fine with me! The Coach and I couldn’t possibly do worse. Where’s
the bathroom? I need to think.
Old
Coach: I’ll
be at the bar.
Old
Broadcaster:
And I LIKE this tie!
Augie: Uh, guys? Fellas? Oh well, guess it’s up to me. See you next week on The Old Pros! Any of you folks bowl?
Ó2001
Bill Klein. All rights Reserved. Return
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