Zelmo Harek

THE OLD PROS

Zelmo Harek, Olympic Kite Flier

Old Broadcaster: Hello out there, sports fans, and welcome once again to another edition of The Old Pros! I know it’s been awhile since you’ve seen us, so let’s get you up to date on what’s been going on with the three of us. Let’s start with my good friend Sal, The Old Sportswriter…

Old Sportswriter: Thanks, OB. The doctors call it a “loose plumbing.” They gave me some medicine, but it doesn’t always work. It’s not so bad, though. In my singles ad in the personals, I just added “spontaneous” to my list of qualities.

Old Broadcaster: That’s the spirit. Now let’s hear from our colleague, that Master of Motivation, The Old Coach!

Old Coach: I just had a liver transplant, OB. I feel like a new man!

Old Broadcaster: Another one? How many does that make?

Old Coach: Eight, I think. Me and Flo and the gang celebrated afterwards at The Main Street Tap. Almost drank the joint dry!

Old Broadcaster: Pardon me for asking, Coach, but are you sure that’s a good idea? All that drinking, I mean. If you cut down on the booze, your liver or should I say livers may have lasted a little longer.

Old Coach: Hey, don’t lecture to me! I don’t nag you about all your Internet porn and black-market Viagra and that rash you picked up in –

Old Broadcaster: - Moving right along, it’s time for this week’s guest.

Old Sportswriter: And we are all a-twitter, OB. Who’s this week’s loser?

Old Coach: Probably has the same rash.

Old Broadcaster: Shut up, both of you. This week’s guest happens to be an Olympic medal-winner…

Old Sportswriter: Well, I’ll be damned! Could it be somebody legitimate?

Old Coach: I’ll reserve judgment until I found out who…and for what.

Old Broadcaster: Please welcome the 1952 Bronze Medal winner in kite-flying, Zelmo Harek!

Old Coach: Told you.

Old Sportswriter: Are you serious, OB? Kite-flying? Like Charlie Brown?

Zelmo: Hey, it’s a legitimate sport! I still got scars from where the string cut into my fingers!

Old Coach: Well, boo-hoo for you. Want to see the scar from where I got shot in the head during WWII? Or the other shot in the head I got in Korea? Or where they had to put the steel plate in my head after I took a mortar round? All while you were flying kites?

Zelmo: I was in the Army too!

Old Coach: What did you do? Serve donuts at the USO?

Old Broadcaster: Coach, there’s no reason to be insulting. Zelmo is our guest and –

Zelmo: That just shows what you know, big shot! It was danish.

Old Sportswriter: OB, I hate to interrupt the conversation between Coach and El Twerp-o here, but how exactly does one compete in kite-flying?

Zelmo: Well, you’re judged by altitude, time in flight, and style.

Old Coach: Yeah, I’ll bet you had it flitting and swishing all over the place you limp-wristed little pantywaist piece of –

Old Broadcaster: Coach, please!

Old Coach: - In fact, why don’t you go back to San Francisco or Greenwich Village or wherever to your boyfriend Bruce and quit wasting our time?

Zelmo: His name isn’t Bruce, it’s Herbert! I’ve half a mind to scratch your eyes out, you big bully! I think I’m going to cry…

Old Broadcaster: Gentlemen, please! This is getting out of hand! Sal, help me out!

Old Sportswriter: Uh-oh.

Old Broadcaster: What? What is it?

Old Sportswriter: Er, um, nothing. Nothing at all. I just have to go backstage for a minute. Is there a washing machine back there by any chance?

Old Coach: Wimp!

Zelmo: Neanderthal!

Old Coach: Flit-boy!

Zelmo: Troglodyte!

Old Coach: I don’t wear women’s clothes!

Old Broadcaster: See you next time on The Old Pros! Will you two knock it off?

Zelmo: I’m out of here! I’ve got front-row seats for Annie Get Your Gun.

Old Coach: Really? That’s one of my favorites!

Zelmo: Want to go? I’ve got an extra ticket.

Old Coach: What are we waiting for? Let’s get going before we miss “Doin’ What Comes Naturally!”

Zelmo: I’ll get a cab.

Old Coach: I’ll get my flask.

Old Broadcaster: And I’ll get sick. Only on The Old Pros, folks. Only here. Anybody got any Viagra?

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