Size Matters

Size Matters: Secrets To A

Well-Endowed Laptop

My grandfather used to say that he could remember back when you could get a laptop for ten bucks and she’d even sit down and have a drink with you afterwards. He was a Great American.

But while the price of a laptop has certainly gone up – and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never shared a cocktail with mine – they are certainly more versatile than they used to be. My laptop can do things that grandpa’s never dreamed of.

That’s not to say that Grandpa wouldn’t be impressed with today’s laptops - especially with free porn and up-to-the-minute sports scores – but no matter which way you slice it, virtual reality is no replacement for the real thing.

Now floppy disks are a thing of the past. Now it’s all about more size. Hard drives. Big, bulging, surging hard drives, information engorged hard drives, bigger and capable of more power and storage than ever before!

Call it Virtual Viagra. Or perhaps Virtual Enzyte, with that smiling Bob guy and his perpetual woody. Except on a computer.

Now it is a known fact that if there were no men with small penises, the car lots of the world would be glutted with unsold Corvettes. But should the same rule apply to computers?

Can’t a man enjoy a computer with, ahem, enhanced memory and um, expanded storage, bought with, er, extended credit, without looking like he is overcompensating?

Just because a man wants a large, powerful, upgradeable and expandable tool in his laptop, should he be ridiculed? What if he simply wants it for the enjoyment and pleasure it gives him. And others. I would share it with others. I mean, he would. The guy with the laptop, I mean.

Laptops are small. Outwardly, they are not physically imposing. Now, if a guy drove around with a phallic-shaped laptop the size of a Fender Stratocaster sticking out the backseat of his Corvette, then, OK, that’s overcompensating.

But if a guy just wants maximum storage and optimum memory inside his modest, non-descript laptop, should that be seen as trying to obscure his own shortcomings?

It’s just that this is the kind of dialogue we must conduct in order to determine proper laptop etiquette. We all want more power, more size, more speed, and the sooner we admit that to ourselves, the better.

So ring up that one-gig memory card for me now, mister, and wipe that smile off your face. I’m secure in my manhood.

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