My Worst Nightmare

Et Tube, Bruté?

...Then I dreamt that I was in the Presidential debates fielding questions off of YouTube and I heard all these people asking me what I was going to do about their kids going hungry and I asked them why they didn't sell their digital camera and use the money to buy them some food and everybody thought I was being cruel and heartless and began pelting me with fruit and vegetables they couldn't afford to buy for their kids and then Bill Clinton asked if they could bring up some footage from this cheerleader's webcam that he had been subscribing to and Hillary told him to get back behind the stage and finish ironing her backup pantsuit and Dennis Kucinich began jumping up and down and waving because everybody forgot that he was there and Joe Biden was talking tough and sounding like he had actually finally dropped a set because he knows he doesn't have a chance so nobody cares what he says anyway and Barack Obama promised to hold talks with all the people who hate us, but I reminded him what Bush had done to America's image and that even if he won two terms he would still only have eight years to talk to all of them and about the only thing he would end up accomplishing is amassing lots of frequent-flier miles and I suddenly realized I could use a few more of those myself so I promised to go lots of places to talk to our enemies also, like in the Bahamas and Acapulco and Paris and some of those towns in Germany that have lots of breweries and then another YouTuber asked a question about freedom of the press which I promised to look into by going on fact-finding missions to the Playboy mansion and hiring Don Imus as my press secretary and I answered a question about medical costs by vowing to conduct comprehensive in-depth inspections of massage parlors around the world, hey we all get little aches and pains, and then coming back and letting people know where they could get the best value for their eighty bucks, or whatever it costs, somebody told me it was that much, not that I was asking or anything and then another video came on asking Hillary to get naked and then somebody else wanted Obama to get naked and soon everybody was getting naked including that old guy from Alaska and you really don't want to know about Bill Richardson's tattoo and John Edwards mousses his chest hair and everything was really getting out of hand and I was already down to my boxer shorts with the little strawberries on them when I was awakened by the incoming e-mail tone on my laptop but it was just from some South American dictator asking me to hide money for him but I couldn't because I had already made a similar deal with an African warlord and I didn't want to be greedy and tip off the IRS...

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