A LIBERAL STICKS TO HIS GUNS

All my life I’ve been a liberal.

Well, there was that brief period where I supported the war in Vietnam, but hey, I was nine years old at the time. I thought we were still fighting World War II. Once I was brought up to speed, I quickly withdrew my support and I’m pretty certain it was that which finally convinced Lyndon Johnson not to seek re-election.

To this day, I more or less support the progressive line: I’m pro-choice, anti-death penalty and feel that if gays want to marry, they shouldn’t need the permission of fifty-one percent of the electorate. I think the War on Drugs is total bullshit and legalization and government control of drugs would do much to alleviate the overcrowding of prisons and the accessibility of same to young people. When’s the last time you bought a bottle of booze from the mob?

There are, however, a couple of issues on which Air America and I will most likely differ. I don’t know this for certain as, residing as I do in what I judge to be approximately the third notch in the Bible Belt (the second notch if it’s Thanksgiving), the only way I can hear Air America is via streaming audio, which doesn’t work to well with my dial-up connection.

Yes, I still have dial-up. I’m just as ashamed of it as you are.

But I digress. The issue I wish to discuss is guns. To be more specific, gun control. Which I’m against. That is, unless it’s me who is controlling the gun.

The other day I was watching a heart-warming report on CNN about people turning in illegal weapons during a one-time no-questions-asked weapons exchange. Turn in your illegal gun and get a one hundred dollar gift certificate. Law-abiding citizens and law-enforcement officers alike beamed for the cameras as the pile of weapons grew higher. As politicians from both parties praised the program and extolled the efforts to make our streets safer, one thought coursed over and over through my mind: What a bunch of fucking idiots!

Do these people watch the news on television? Do they ever read a newspaper? Would they know one if they saw it? WHY ARE YOU MORONS GIVING YOUR GUNS TO THE GOVERNMENT? THEY HAVE PLENTY! THEY DON’T NEED ANY MORE!

In these days of the Patriot Act, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Big Brother Library Cards, and a Mrs. Kravitz government putting its ear to the door of any unsuspecting Darrin and/or Samantha Stevens in search of potential terrorist nose-twitching, with America on a slippery slope into martial law, the last thing we need is to surrender the only means of defense we have left.

Pinko Commie Liberal or no, when the Bush W Cheney storm troopers show up at my Virginia horse farm to try and take away the few rights I seem to have left, they’ll have to do it through a hail of gunfire. This Joe Sixpack ain’t going down without taking a few of them with me.

I do not consider myself some kind of survivalist nut that uses anti-government rhetoric in order to espouse and promote a bigoted or radical religious viewpoint. I don’t fly the confederate flag. I’m neither a racist nor a fascist. In fact, I’m not even religious, I’m an atheist. Swear to God. I’m not trying to start a movement. This is pure common sense. Or maybe fear. Whatever.

Hold on to your guns. Cherish them. Caress them as you would a lover. Promise never to leave them. Keep them cleaned, oiled and in good repair. A gun can be your best friend or your worst enemy. It all depends on which end you’re facing.

God bless America. If you believe in that sort of thing, I mean. And pass the ammunition.

Return to More Articles&Columns

Return to BillKleinOnLine