Married? Is your wife out of town? Feeling frisky but don’t want to be unfaithful? Then 1-900-SexWithYourWife may be just what you’re looking for! Let’s listen in…  

Thank you for calling 1-900-SexWithYourWife. Your name, sir?  

This is Floyd.  

Hi Floyd. What’s your wife’s name?  

That would be Hildegard.  

Hmmm. That might be tough. Do you have any pet names for her?  

Well, sort of, but I think I know what your driving at and she isn’t too crazy about me calling her “Swamp Thing” when we’re in the throes of passion, know what I mean?  

That’s a big ten-four on that, Floyd. No pet names, got it. Now which of our four services will you be requiring?  

What’s the cheapest?  

The operator will tell you she has a headache and then hang up. Ten bucks.  

I don’t think that will work. What’s next?  

At the next level, we have our ”Hallway Sex” service.  

Hallway sex? What’s that?  

That’s when you and your “wife” pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck you.” Fifteen bucks.  

I had something a little more substantial in mind…  

Most men do. You’ll probably want to try our “Typical Married Sex” service. It’s our most popular. Only twenty-five bucks for three minutes.  

Three minutes?  That’s all?  

C’mon, tell the truth, Floyd. How long does it usually last with you and your wife?  

I guess you’ve got a point there. Just out of curiosity, what’s your fourth service?  

That would be the “My Wife Is A Nymphomaniac Supermodel” service.  

Wow! How much is that?  

 You can’t afford it.  

I thought as much. Okay, I guess we’re going with Typical.  

Okay, Floyd. Please stand by, an operator will be with you shortly.

 

(Floyd is put on hold, where he is entertained by a Muzak version of Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s The Night.” Until the magic moment when the operator comes on the line and sets the tone for romance…)

 

Well?  

Well what?  

Aren’t you going to say anything about dinner? All day I sweat and slave over a hot stove and do I get any appreciation for it? Noooooo…  

I’m sorry, honey! Dinner was delicious, it really was!  

You don’t care about me! All I am is someone to do your cooking and cleaning and laundry…  

No darling, honest! I do appreciate all the things you do for me. Why don’t we go into the bedroom where I can show you my appreciation in more, er, tangible ways…  

Oh, that! Is that all you ever think about? Sex, sex, sex!  

I can’t help it, sweetheart. You’re just so beautiful…  

Well…okay. Help me load the dishwasher first.  

God, you are exactly like my wife!  

That’s what we’re here for, Floyd. Wait! What are you doing?  

Huh?  

You moron! You have to rinse the plates off before you put them in the rack. You can’t put dirty dishes in the dishwasher!  

I…I’m sorry! I’ll…  

Oh never mind, I’ll do it myself! Why don’t you go into the bedroom and get the bed warmed up? I want to be done before “Judging Amy” comes on.

 

(A short pause)

 

Here I am, Floyd.  

Oh yeah, baby! You look so beautiful. I want you so bad!  

Oh yes, Floyd! I want you t…

 

(Sound of buzzer)

 

Damn! I forgot!  

Forgot what?  

I have a load of clothes in the dryer. I have to get them out.  

Aw geez, honey, can’t it wait?  

If I don’t get them out right away, they’ll get all wrinkled and I don’t feel like ironing them.  

I’ll iron them! Please get back in bed!  

Well okay, but remember! You’re ironing them!  

C’mere baby. Ooh, ooh…oh yeah, baby…that’s so good…oof! Oof!  

Oh my God! Oh my God!  

Oh yeah, baby! Oof!  

Oh my God, that crack in the ceiling is getting bigger! When are you going to fix that thing?  

I’ll (Oof!) do it (Oof!) this weekend! I (Oof!) promise!  

You always say that! And then Ned Billings calls up and wants you to play golf and off you go…  

Oof!  

…And then afterward you go to the clubhouse and drink beer and then you come home and you’re too tired…  

Oof!  

…And I can just about forget you doing it on Sunday, especially if there’s a ballgame on TV…  

Oof! Oof! Oh God, I’m coming!  

What, already? What about me? I’m not even…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!    

You finished?  

Oooh, yeah!  

So, how was it?  

Just like she was here! You guys are great!

 

Remember, when the missus is missing, you have a friend at 1-900-SexWithYourWife! Tell your friends! Operators are standing by twenty-four hours a day. Have your Visa or MasterCard ready when you call!